Here we are, the last Bachelorette episode before the finale.  And all I have to say is, finallllllllly.  This season has been a real pain in my ass and I’m happy that it’s about to give itself the finger and peace out, something I’ve wanted to do since Bentley left and all the drama and excitement left with him.  We only have to endure one more week of bang fluffing and lip biting before we can get to where the real fun is at: Bachelor Pad.

Ashley and her final three suitors arrive in Fiji for the last leg of their irksome journey to test their bedroom compatibility in the fantasy suites.  Before the first consummation date can get under way, an unnecessary blast from the past shows up at Ashley’s door. As she opens the door, shock overwhelms her face, she slaps her hand over her mouth and — it breaks to commercial.  I sat their for the next 4.2 minutes with a sense of false hope that once again, Bentley had made a return in one last attempt to promote his family fun center.  As we return to the scene of the opened door and mysterious visitor, we see that it’s just…Ryan.  What, did he feel like he didn’t sell Ash fully on the importance of tankless water heaters?  He shares with Ashley his perspective about their last date and how it wasn’t “conducive” for finding the passion that they are obviously lacking and that maybe they just needed another go at it.  “If you thought about me at all… then I want some more time with you so bad,” he pleads.  Then he slides her a piece of paper with his hotel information and informs her that he will be there waiting for her decision.  And there he will wait, for days…

Finally, on to the first date with the eye candy I’ve been waiting for all week.  Ash greets Ben half-naked in a bikini top and skirt, getting him primed and prepped for later that evening.  She informs him that their “ride” will be the yacht headed in their direction. Once aboard, Ashley asks for help in applying her suntan lotion and Ben stands their helplessly and inquires about which location is in need of assistance.  ”My back? I can reach everywhere else, unless you want to do everything,” says Ashley with a trampy giggle. Ben’s answer to this is no, he doesn’t want to everything…unless she wants him to.  Um, I’m sorry, but what kind of guy rejects the offer of giving a girl a full body rubdown? I don’t know about her, but I would have felt like Betty White at that point.  Later they share a romantic dinner on the beach and Ben tells the cameras that he’s ready to tell her the “L” word.  Instead, he eeks out “I’m on my way… to, you know, the whole ‘I love you’ thing.”  Not quite there, but enough to forgo his individual room and join Ash in the fantasy suite.  They slip back into their swimsuits, have a makeout session in the ridiculously amazing pool attached to their room, then head to the bedroom to share a pork sandwich.

Next up, Ben’s Greek alter-ego Constantine.  For the first 8 episodes I couldn’t tell these guys apart, until I finally realized the difference: Constantine’s uncircumsized!  Duh, how did I overlook this?  Fortunately, this is something Ashley won’t have to find out later in the fantasy suite. Ashley takes Constantine on his first ride in a helicopter and comments that she is lucky enough to have beautiful scenery to her right and a “Greek God” to her left.  Somewhere down below, Ryan is pacing a sandy beach, eager for a response from Ashley.  ”I’ve been waiting for several days now,” he says. Well, it doesn’t look like too shabby of a place to wait, so enjoy the free vacation and stop complaining.  If I were him, I would have said to Ashley, “Think about it…and get back to me in a week.” Have another daiquiri. 

Later over dinner, Ashley rehashes her issues with Constantine and his inability to connect with her on a deeper level.  She doesn’t understand why he isn’t as affectionate towards her as the other guys.  Once again…like 90% of the dudes from this season, he’s just not that into you. Instead of reassuring her of his feelings, Constantine finally decides to face the truth.  “I would want ideally for me to be madly, head-over-heels, 100 percent sure, ready to meet your father and say, ‘I want to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage,’ and say that with 110 percent confidence,” he begins. “And I have too much respect for you, for myself, for my family, and ultimately your family also, to do anything but that. I’m sitting here now, like, thinking, I don’t have that yet…”  And from there, he rejects the fantasy suite and heads back home to Cummings.   I think he finally realized that he’s not going to find a girl hotter than his own sister and it’s time to make a move.  This is what I like to call Family Values.  Home is where the heart is, Greek boy. 

During the commercial break, my grandmother excitedly calls to inform me that I look like juuuuust like Ashley. So I look like a bow-legged midget with thin lips, flat hair and a bad fashion sense?  Thank you, Grandma, for the compliment.  Time to open up another bottle of wine and forget that she said that.

Back to the show, and Ashley has finally decided that Ryan has waited long enough and shows up at his hotel room looking confident that she’s about to deliver some not so good news. Ryan, oblivious of this, grins and takes her visit as a good sign.  After beating around the bush for a minute - and a minute too long - Ash finally breaks it to him.  “I didn’t feel, like, that passion [with you]… And the truth is, I’ve found that — actually with two people!”  She says this excitedly as if she is hoping that Ryan will share in her joy.  Poor guy, rejected once again and sent back to his life of solar panels.

J.P. is last up for his chance to explore what’s inside Ashley’s pants heart before he decides to make a proposal next week.  Aboard a pontoon plane, they head out to spend the day on a private island.  They frolic and kiss in the ocean and both seem fully aware that this is merely foreplay to what will ensue later on that evening.  In full competitive mode, J.P. says “I want this to be over — that’s it’s me, that’s it.” Is this a dating show or Survivor? During dinner in the middle of the jungle, Ash share the news that she’s already sent two guys home from Fiji.  J.P. lights up, thinking this means he has “won” the competition, until Ash reveals that one of the losers was Ryan…again.  Still, J.P. seems content that one more dude has bitten the dust, delightedly accepts the fantasy suite card, and the couple scamper off to hump it out.

A futile rose ceremony takes place just so our insecure Bachelorette can be reassured that the final two want to be here.  Surprisingly, they do, and accept the roses.  Watching these guys stand their, with shit-eating grins on their faces and feeling a couple ounces lighter, all I could think about was — which one of these guys was better in bed? 

Alright…we’ve got a double whammy next week!  See you back here next week to talk about Men Tell All and the Finale!  Who’s it going to be?!?  And will it work out? (Answer: no)  But we’ll still waste our time talking about it anyway~