We have some catching up to do my fellow Bach fans! I would apologize for my lack of post last Tuesday, but it would be a lie because I’m not really sorry about being on vacation.
I’m not going to take the time to recap last week’s episode because let’s be honest, at this point I’ve already forgotten what happened. There was Taiwan, a backless shirt, and some talk about water heaters. That’s…about it.
The most anticipated moment of last week’s episode was the post-show interview with Emily to break the shocking news that another Bachelor relationship did not stand the test of time…er reality. I’m sorry, but Brad was waving flags that were redder than his hair ever since his first stint at finding love on the show. There is a reason this guy is still 38 and single, and unfortunately Em had to learn the hard way by wasting 4 good months of her life on a doomed relationship instead of signing up to be the next Bachelorette.
This week we were forced to sit through two hours of familial introductions as Ashley bow-legs her away across the contiguous United States to meet the parents. She is a little too giddy about this whole idea which is suspicious because I’m pretty sure this is an event that 99% of people dread. The other 1% are abusing ecstasy.
Ashley’s first stop is Constantine’s hometown of Cummings, Georgia. The name alone is enticing me to take a trip out there myself. The boring, less-attractive version of the shaggy haired twins introduces Ash first to his Italian restaurant Giorgio’s, where he teaches her how to make a pizza and a salad. He compliments her on her natural chef-like abilities. She eats it up (his words, not the salad) and calls him a “charmer.” Listen, my 6-year-old can make a pizza and a salad. If this is what you have to do to call yourself a chef, then call me Paula Deen. Finally they make their way to casa de crazy, where Ashley is greeted by an enthusiastic clan of Greeks. Papa Dimitri imparts some relationship advice to his son, Mom Eleni quickly determines the couple’s future residency (there, in Cummings of course), and Constantine’s stunning sister Maria makes Ashley look like Steve Buscemi. It’s a good thing Ashley wasn’t seated next to her at the dinner table for Constantine to make a direct comparison. If I were him, I might actually consider incest. Then, as they are about to say their goodbye’s, about a thousand strange Greeks rush through the front door and it quickly turns into a scene from My Big Fat Greek You’ll Never Have Any Privacy If You Marry Into This Family Wedding. Fun when you’re drinking, not so much when the Ouzo wears off.
Next stop is Ames hometown of Chadds Ford, PA. It appears that he still hasn’t snapped out of his concussion…still got that dazed and confused thing going on. Ash is taken to the family estate where she meets his brother and sister who by the way, seem to have been hit with the same ugly stick that Ames has. She also meets mom, who is not once but twice a widower, which finally makes some sense of Ames feminine tendencies. Sister Serena takes the bull by the horns and questions Ashley about her feelings to which Ash responds: “I want to feel [that passion] with Ames so bad.” It’s at this point we know that Ames will not be getting the final rose. After leaving the family abode, the couple shared a picnic and he introduced her to the Italian idea of sprezzatura, which he describes to her as “try[ing] to be as romantic as possible, but like, through your everyday life.” This is where I become officially bored to tears with this guy. Ash leans in for a passionless kiss which I’m guessing must have consisted of a lot of teeth clinking together.
Finally, the date I’ve been looking forward to and admittedly a little envious of: Sonoma, CA, home of Hottie McHott Ben F. and the family winery. If in the end Ash is a little confused about whether to pick J.P. or Ben (the final two, mark my word), the free wine for life should without a doubt give Ben the edge. Before meeting the family, Ben and Ash share some Bourdeaux and Ben talks about his father’s passing and his close relationship with mom and sister. He stresses that they have to like Ashley or “otherwise it just doesn’t work for me.” But hey, no pressure. After giving her an ulcer, he takes Ash to meet mom and sister Julia, who apparently was the one to sign Ben up for this love carnival. She shoots Ashley a warning by saying ”I love my brother. He’s dated girls but they haven’t really stuck around for too long, and I haven’t necessarily liked some of them. I’m actually more protective over him than you may think.” I’m starting to think that this where the incest is happening. Maybe the other girls he dated didn’t stick around because you’re cock blocking him. Like literally. With your own vagina. Someone needs to get this girl a boyfriend.
Finally, the hometown tour ends in Roslyn, NY to meet J.P.’s family. He decides to first take her roller skating while drinking wine from paper cups. Cute, but could likely be an indication of what his bank account looks like. They giggle and twirl around on their skates as a cheesy 80’s song played in the background. Looks like someone’s turning to Adam Sandler movies for dating strategies. They wrap up the romantic comedy and head out to meet the folks. A carb-loaded dinner is waiting for them and the fam can’t help but notice the hearts in J.P.’s eyes. Mom Ilene pulls Ash aside for some one-on-one time and reveals some skepticism. “JP has only you to think about, but you have all these other men that you have had to think about — how do you do that?” By drinking a lot of alcohol Ilene, that’s how. The best part of the evening was mom’s decision to share a large, autographed bar mitzvah portrait of J.P. sporting an 80’s mullet. So thaaaat’s what he looks like with hair. Now the whole decision to go bald makes a lot more sense.
The crew find themselves back at the lonesome love mansion for the rose ceremony. As predicted, Ames is left rose-less…however I had a had time reading the emotion on his face. Stunned? Sad? Heart-broken? He still stood there looking like he had been hit over the head with a baseball bat. Keeping in theme with his self-proclaimed “composed” behavior, he politely said goodbye and told Ashley “I’m lucky to have you in my life.” You mean had, right? You’ll save yourself some anguish if you can chalk up to the fact that you’re never going to see this girl again. Without your concussion you’re a pretty cool dude, and maybe, if you get your face fixed, you could be considered for the next Bachelor. Maybe.
See you back here next week to talk about the sex soirees coming up in Fiji! ~