Wow. That…was a lot of fun. Too bad we just watched the best episode of the entire season. Who’s going to be the resident dickhead now? Mr. Sunshine Ryan P.?
The first one-on-one date of the episode goes to Ben C., who looks like a less attractive version of Patrick Dempsey with a mis-shaped jaw. He’s a lawyer, which is the only reason at this point that Ashley should keep him around. Their date begins at a dance studio, where Ashley shares her passion of dancing with him by teaching him a count of 8 dance routine. Is anyone else as sick of these dance dates as I am? Eh hem…Tenley? Little does he know that later he will be using these steps in what will be a mediocre flash mob. Later, after snorting a line of blow in the bathroom, Ben joins Ashley for dinner and enthusiastically gushes his ideals about love by saying “I want to live in a bubble with somebody I want to live in some unrealistic idealistic bubble where we are convinced that we are like more in love than any other couple that ever lived I know that sounds wild…” Hey Ash — that would be your cue to run.
The Mask - aka Jeff - insists upon pulling Ashley aside so he can finally “reveal himself.” Ashley looks as if she could really care less at this point, but I, along with the other guys in the house, am dying to see what all the fuss is about. He slowly, seductively takes off the mask and says “Hi, I’m Jeff.” It’s at this point I piss my pants and have to excuse myself from the room. The worst part is, he looks the same. Actually, he looks more like a serial killer than even West does. Ashley was probably hoping his looks would make up for his personality, when in fact his looks actually match his personality, which is that of an old, gray, chipped rock.
The group date takes place at LA’s Comedy Store, where the crew learns that they will be roasting Ashley. What a smart idea for the most insecure Bachelorette in history. Most of the jokes are geared toward Ashley’s small boobs and the fact that she’s “Brad Womack’s leftovers.” William hit the home run of the evening with “I thought I signed up to be with Emily or Chantal, and then Ashley’s here…Really, who gives a sh**?” Wow, this guy really knows his way to a woman’s heart. Even Bentley knows better to say those kind of things behind her back instead of to her face. All of the insecurities Ashley’s been trying to push away came busting out like Kim Kardashian’s ass in a thong. What did you think would happen during a roast? You asked for it girl, and even crazier, you actually decide to keep Dimples around. So grow a pair and stop complaining.
Bentley has a brilliant idea the next morning, which to pack up and go home. He uses his kid as an excuse instead of manning up and spewing the same venom to her that he did to the camera. After proudly admitting he’s about to make Ashley cry, he mumbles out, “I hope my hair looks okay.” You know what Bentley? It doesn’t. Your hair looks like an ungroomed cooka. It’s disgusting. After he stabs the knife into her heart, he decides to twist it to the left and right a few times by giving her hope that their “relationship” could actually continue, saying “I still want to keep a dot dot dot there.” It’s at this point when I begin to get excited for the Men Tell All. Upon saying his final goodbye, Ash jumps into his arms and wraps her legs around his waist, which apparently turns him on because he starts to inappropriately touch her and tells the camera’s that they were in a “great position to start something good.” What was he hoping for, a parting BJ? If he had somehow actually been able to pull that off, I would have given him a high five and given Ashley a slap in the face. No girl should be that dumb.
After what seemed to be an hour of the ugly cry, Ash manages to pull herself together just enough to give J.P. the shittiest one-on-one date in Bachelor history. He was probably expecting a private helicopter tour of Catalina Island or a meet-and-greet with The Black Eyed Peas and instead all he got was a watered down version of Ashley in her glasses and pajamas. What…a letdown. I kinda like this guy too, so I was happy to see that Ashley had enough sense to give him the date rose. It’s the least she could do for putting him through your emotional breakdown over the biggest douche on the show.
Finally we get to the rose ceremony, where Chris Harrison makes the appearance I was waiting for all night and knocks some sense into this girl. He breaks the hard news that the “dot dot dot” comment was such “a guy thing to say” and “a real man would have done everything he could to fight for you.” Thank you Harrison, voice of reason. He’s the only one making any sense on this show, and if I were Ashley, I’d cut me a slice of that DILF pie and be done with it. Due to her emotional state, Ash decides to skip the cocktail party and say goodbye to Chris (I don’t even know who this guy is) and Mask Man. Wow, this guy’s got to be feeling pretty great about being kept on the show only until he decided to show the world his face. Maybe he’ll learn his lesson and keep it on for the rest of his life.
The best part of the entire show was the end credit showing Jeff on the toilet taking a number two while still in costume and Bentley next to him forming mountain peaks into his hair with a greasy hair product. I wonder if he’s ever thought about touching a woman in the same tender way that he handles his hair? Nah…
Until next time my fellow Bach fans…keep watching! ~